Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
