U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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