My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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