My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
