She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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