Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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