i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
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he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
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So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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