theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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