I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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