Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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