I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
