I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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