When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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