I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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