why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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