the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
