dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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