Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Screwed.edu
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
