i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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