Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
