Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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