How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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