Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
