I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
