forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
