Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
