GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
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I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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