How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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