sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
