I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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