I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
