I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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