Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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