My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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