so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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