she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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