I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
