Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
