plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
