I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
