I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I need to align my fucking chakras
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
