If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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