Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
