Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
