I think I won the penis lottery.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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