textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
