Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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