he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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