New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize