Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
