"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
