remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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