Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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