I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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