I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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