You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
