when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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